A Complete Guide To Drug Testing
Pre-employment drug screens are an unfortunate reality for many of us. Verdant Herbal’s has created this guide to answer any questions you may have about drug testing and to calm your nerves. Anyone can easily beat a urine drug test (also known as urinalysis) with the right preparation.
Notwithstanding the circumstances that forced you into the all-too-common predicament of passing a drug test, and regardless of the illegal substances you’ve consumed throughout the adventure of life, there is always a way for anyone to pass a drug test.
Having said that, the options available to drug users faced with the indignity of drug testing are numerous and varying.
Furthermore, the ideal option for any given individual facing a urine drug test depends on a litany of factors, ranging from how much prior notice you’re granted, to your Body Mass Index (BMI).
Below, I will lay these options out, and provide the information necessary for you to determine which course of action is best given your particular circumstances.
Assuming most who read this are indeed facing an impending urine drug test, please try and tolerate my stupid attempts at being funny. I’m aware that you came across this article in the search of legitimate help and educated advice. I understand that your career and/or freedom is likely contingent upon passing your drug test. Accordingly, I take the advice I give seriously. Despite my love for flippancy, I promise not to stray from factual information on drug testing – that which is backed by science, not personal preconceptions.
Moreover, I abhor the act of drug testing – as well as the frequency and manner with which it’s carried out in society – on a moral level. Due to sheer number of dickholes in Congress, the administration of drug tests in America has become more egregious, with a number of US states mandating that grown-ass adults be drug tested by making the reception of welfare contingent upon a urine sample. Because obviously everyone in the world would attain immediate wealth and success if only they had the fortitude to Just Say No!™
Bottom line, I feel strong that drug testing is plain wrong in most situations, and have a sincere desire to help those affected by drug tests to pass them. Especially given the unending plethora of shitty, moronic, and straight up inaccurate information about drug tests that’s strewn about the internet.
With all that said, the techniques I lay out on the following pages are guaranteed to yield a passing drug test result – it’s a matter of science. However, they are not fool-proof. Don’t be a fool. Don’t take shortcuts. These methods will work if followed correctly. All you have to do is correctly follow them. This is where you should stop skimming.
How Urine Drug Tests Work
Before I begin listing said methods, I’d like to first probe the annals of drug testing itself… And yes, the word choice of the previous sentence was intentional. Good writing always engenders images of butt-sex in the reader’s head. You’re welcome. But I digress.
First off, the most valuable thing I can provide anyone attempting to pass a drug test are the cold, hard facts behind modern drug testing technology. As with everything technological, understanding the mechanics of urine drug tests provides insight into its weaknesses. Lucky for you, the current methods that exist are indeed wrought with flaws. For the purposes of this article, we’ll assume marijuana is your drug of choice (though it works the same regardless of which drug your urine is being tested for, we’re using weed as an example because THC tends to stay in users’ systems longer than other common narcotics).
When marijuana smoke is inhaled, a multitude of cannabinoids – the natural chemicals unique to the cannabis plant – are given a one-way ticket to your bloodstream. While the mind-altering properties of each particular cannabinoid vary, the “high” experienced from smoking marijuana is attributed to one of these cannabinoids: tetrahydrocannabinol, or THC.
THC is liposoluble, which means your fat cells eventually absorb them. I can’t speak to the detailed biology of metabolism, but once the toxin-laden fat cells are metabolized, or burned, they pass through your liver and out your vagina and/or penis.
(Note: I hate that I have to clarify this, but since my sense of humor seems to escape many of ewwty’s [otherwise super awesome] female readers, I must note that I am indeed aware that girls urinate from their urethras, like men, and not their vaginas. What do you think I am? An Idaho House Representative?)
Urine drug tests are designed to detect a very small amount of the evidence left behind during this process.
Urine Drug Tests: Mythology & Methodology
One of the biggest misconceptions regarding marijuana use is the amount of time it takes to get out of your system. Most people assert the 30 day rule, which asserts that a cessation period of 30 days is necessary to pass a drug test. I find this to be way overstated and vague.
First of all, it depends solely on the individual.
Remember all that shit from like two paragraphs ago about THC being fat soluble? Well, by extension that would indicate that the rate at which your body rids itself of liposoluble toxins, such as THC, correlates directly with the rate at which it burns fat; a.k.a your body’s metabolic rate.
I won’t dilly-dally around the subject. It takes longer for heavier individuals to detox from marijuana.
However, does this mean that a heavyset individual who enjoys a single hit of a joint one time would have more THC toxins in their urine the next day than a skinny-ass dude who smokes multiple times every day (such as myself).
No way, in fact I’d be very surprise if the heavyset individual would even fail a drug test in that situation, while the skinny-ass dude most certainly would.
My point being, the 30 day rule applies to the extremity of these factors. If you’re a fat fucking lazy piece of shit who smokes pot all day every day and makes zero effort to exercise or do anything at all to rectify the situation of their debilitating obesity – it’ll probably take about 30 days, if not more, to rid your body of those toxins. If you’re of average stature, smoke every now-and-then on the weekends, and exercise regularly, you’ll be clean within a few days. Unless you smoke an eighth of weed every day, and have been doing so for more than a few days, the toxins won’t have accrued to such an extent that your body can’t rid itself of them within a matter of four or five days.
Now that we’ve covered the mythology part, let’s move onto the methodology of urine drug tests. There exists a number of methods through which urine may be tested for drug toxins, but for all intents and purposes, they all fall within the realm of two categories. The most common and basic of which are home drug tests. These little bastards are easy to come by, and even easier to operate. For the most part, if a store sells condoms and tampons, they probably sell home drug tests too. To make matters worse, they’re inexpensive. However, they aren’t only cheap in price; home drug tests are laughably easy to beat.
If you’ve ever worked as a lifeguard, you’re not foreign to the mechanics of home drug tests.
Lifeguards ascertain the balance of chemicals in their pool the same way nosey mothers ascertain the level of drug toxins in their child’s urine. The cheapest home drug testing kits are but a slip of paper coated with a bio-chemical that remains unaffected by the normal chemical makeup of urine, but turns a certain color when in contact with drug toxins.
If a home drug test is your only foe, even if your mother just left the house to go buy one, you can rest easy knowing that the tools needed to beat a home drug test, conveniently enough, are plentiful in the typical American household.
All you really need in this situation is the faucet in your bathroom.
Once you piss into whatever container is given to you, dilute it with a little water. If you don’t want your parents to hear you running the water, just use a little from the toilet. Quite simple, really.
Essentially, you’ll want to dilute the urine to such an extent that the person testing it won’t notice, while still being under the positive-result threshold.
You know that nice clearish-yellow urine that’s indicative of proper hydration? Not entirely devoid of color, yet lacking that tingly, burning sensation that comes with dark yellow stuff? That’s the spectrum of yellow you should be aiming for (no pun intended).
If you do so happen to be properly hydrated when given the drug test, you’re probably not going to fail it anyway. Regardless, dilute it as much as possible without it looking like diluted piss. If anything alarms your parents, it’ll be your nervous behavior during this awkward process, not the color of your urine.
Play your cards right and avoid dumbfuckery and your parents will be none the wiser.
Another point to make about home drug test kits is they come in handy you face clinical drug tests (the science of which I’ll delve into on the next page).
The right drug test kit is the best way to get a definitive answer to the question, “Am I going to pass my drug test?” than any douche with a blog ever could.
While it may seem redundant, home drug tests are very handy when facing a serious drug test. The wise man will administer a his own drug test before venturing forth into the clinic; if you pass a home drug test, it’s extremely unlikely you’ll turn around and fail the one at the clinic the next day.
Even in the off chance that cosmic unlikelihood does occur, you’re still better off with the knowledge that your urine just barely passed the threshold of the drug test they administered to you, which is a reasonable conclusion to draw from passing a home test and failing a clinical one.
This is not to mention all the money (not to mention stress) you’ll save on the various (largely snakeoil) methods for beating drug tests that are out there when you’re already clean in the first place.
Regardless, based off the feedback from readers and my personal friends alike, as well as a great deal of research on my part, I can say with confidence that First Check is the best brand of home drug test kits on the market.
Anyway, the second category of drug tests are clinical drug tests. Basically any drug test administered by someone other than your mom or dad falls under this category.
Clinical Urine Drug Tests
Considering you’re unlikely to know anything about the drug test other than it being of the clinical nature, it’s necessary to assume your urine will be subjected to the most rigorous, effective method of drug testing: gas chromatography and/or mass spectrometry (GC – MS). Which is actually two entirely different testing methods. I can’t speak to the prevalence of its use; all I know is, if you take the necessary steps to beat this method, you’ll easily pass any other method they might use.
Before it reaches one or both of those tests, however, it’ll likely be tested through an immunoassay procedure first. While every clinic has different standard operating procedures, most labs split the urine into two aliquots – or samples. They put one aliquot aside, and test the other using immunoassay.
So clinical drug tests function by way of immunoassay just like home tests. However, a clinician employs this technique in a much different manner than some schmo using a home drug test.
The difference is in what is employed as the analyzer.
In the case of a home drug test, the analyzer is usually a strip of paper coated with an antibody which responds in a visible way to the toxins left behind by weed. The technique employed by clinicians functions the same as home drug tests, but is more sophisticated.
For instance, a home drug test isn’t going to be able to analyze the temperature of the sample to ensure its freshness (i.e. that you’re not trying to pass off someone else’s urine as your own), while a clinical drug test absolutely will. That reminds me, the temperature of the urine sample must be between 90 °F to 100 °F. Anything outside that range will sound the proverbial alarms.
If the urine sample contains 50 ng/ml (nanograms per milliliter) or more of the toxin, this test comes up positive. To put it in perspective, there are one billion nanograms in a gram, and the average adult bladder accumulates 500-750 milliliters of urine before signaling the urge to urinate.
On second thought, don’t even try putting that in perspective. All you need to know is it detects an inconceivably small amount of the toxin.
However, a little known secret among drug test clinicians is that the these rigorous tests are only used if the immunoassay test comes up positive. That’s why on the previous page I conclude that a home drug test is such a reliable indicator of whether or not you’ll pass in the clinic; yes, more accurate drug tests exist, but your urine will only be tested with the slightly more accurate GC – MS test if it fails the initial immunoassay test, which are comparable to quality home drug test kits.
There’s two reasons clinical drug tests are conducted this way. For one, it’s just the economical way to conduct business, immunoassay methods are far cheaper than to conduct and maintain than the advanced machines requried for GC – MS tests. Additionally, any time someone tests positive, they’re sample is tested a second time. It behooves clinicians to test with GC – MS technology given the trouble they can get into by handing out false positives. This is done for the sake of being 100% sure, given the consequences of a positive result, that the individual has indeed ingested the offending substance.
The Four Primary Methods for Beating a Drug Test Every Time
Step One: Evaluate Options
The biggest factor that determines which course of action is even viable for you is how much prior notice you’re given of the drug test.
If it’s a 48 hour deal, you’re more limited in how to proceed than if you had an entire week; some people know prior to being hired that they’ll be drug tested, while others show up to work with a free bottle of water and plastic airtight container on their desk.
There are four main methods for reliably beating a urine drug test: detox, masking, dilution and substitution. They’ll all work, however they differ greatly with regard to the amount of money/resources they require. Additionally, I should note, the first three can and should be combined, as they increase each other’s effectiveness.
By far, the best way to avoid rendering a positive drug test result is marijuana cessation – or the discontinued use of your drug of choice.
Detox involves ridding your system of toxins by expediting the processes through which your body naturally does so (which obviously involves cessation of use). Given you’re in this predicament in the first place, it’s safe to assume you have an affinity for whatever drug you’re using. But I assure you, it’s absolutely necessary. It also takes the longest, so if you’re given less than five days to prepare, detox alone won’t be an option for you anyway. Unless substitution is how you choose to proceed, detox is a method you’re going to want to pursue, as it increases the chance that masking and dilution will work.
Masking prevents the release of existing toxins in your body.
The commercial products which have popularized this method epitomize everything wrong with the capitalist system. These overpriced beverages will supposedly go into your system, do some super-duper magic shit, and make your urine pure. I have yet to hear of an instance where one of these worked. Please, for the sake of mankind and capitalism itself, don’t support these fucking assholes. Any idiot can concoct their own masking agent with ingredients from Walmart, as I’ll explain later in this article.
Masking doesn’t seek to expedite the expulsion of toxins from your body. Rather, it seeks to prevent the existing toxins in your body from being expelled. I’ll elaborate further in a moment, but you should be able to see why detoxing would increase the effectiveness of masking (i.e. the fewer toxins you have in your body means there are fewer that need to be masked).
Just what it sounds like. Dilution involves watering down, either internally or externally, the urine to be tested.
Any time you take a drug test at a clinic, external dilution is not going to be an option. They’re going to send you in a room with no source of running water, and the toilet water won’t be an option either, as it will have a blue chemical that will visibly distort the natural color of urine.
This leaves us with internal dilution, which is just a smart-sounding way of drinking a shit-load of water. BE FUCKING CAREFUL. You can DIE from drinking too much water, and I’ll be damned if I indirectly kill one of my readers.
Here’s the best way to go about this. Days before the drug test, find out how much water it takes for your urine to become completely clear. You’re not going to want your urine to be that diluted when you take the actual test, otherwise the clinicians may get suspicious and ask you to come back another day. The idea here, though, is to find out how much water it’ll take for you to get your urine to the ideal level of dilution. You’ll want it to have a slight yellow tint. Basically, you’ll want it to be as close to clear urine as possible, without actually passing the threshold into what would be considered diluted.
Remember what I said about the commercial masking products? Well, if they epitomize everything wrong with capitalism, commercial substitution products epitomize everything right with it. This is by far the BEST method to go with, especially if you’re subjected to random drug testing.
There exists a product called the Whizzinator. The Whizzinator is, in essence, a fake lifelike strap-on penis. But it doesn’t end there! This fake penis connects to a heated bag which can be filled with clean urine. Literally, even if the person administering the drug test comes into the bathroom with you and stares directly at your dick the entire time, you can still beat the drug test.
I could talk all day about the Whizzinator. I have a friend whose hippie father works for a governmental military organization (to put it as vaguely as I possibly can). He always knew his father smoked, but wasn’t quite sure how he managed to do so given his position. One day, while searching for his father’s weed, he stumbled upon a fake strap-on penis. Distraught, he notified me of what he perceived as a disturbing revelation about his parent’s sexual behavior. I calmed him down by ensuring him what he found must have been a Whizzinator, given his father’s affinity towards marijuana and his position with the government.
I should note, it’s important you understand the risks of using the Whizzinator to beat a drug test administered by the police, such as court ordered drug tests that are a condition of parole. While you want to be careful no matter what, those caught using the Whizzinator to pass a court ordered drug test face additional penalties which, more often than not, are far harsher than the original offence for which they were arrested. For instance, in New Jersey, attempting to defraud the administration of a drug test is punishable by up to five years in prison. So don’t fuck around.
For further info, consult Wikipedia.
(For the record, ewwty.com is not affiliated with The Whizzinator. I am not compensated by its manufacturer or distributors to plug it here. It’s simply a solid product, as ingenious as it is hilarious. And it is without a doubt the only real option for weed smokers who are subjected to frequent drug testing.)
Step Two – Begin Detox Process
If you’ve chosen to go all out with the Whizzinator, you’re good. Once you secure a source of clear urine, you can sit back and relax with a fat joint.
However, substitution isn’t going to be an option for many drug users, especially younger ones. If this is the case, the immediate pursuit of the latter three methods is in order.
You’ll want to begin with detox. Many people have it in their heads that detox involves drinking a lot of water and pissing all day. While you do want to stay hydrated, doing so will only allow your body to release the toxins at its normal rate. Remember, the rate at which your body rids itself of toxins correlates directly with your metabolism; so drinking water doesn’t do anything to speed up this process (other than the extent to which your body burns calories processing the water, which is meager).
What you want to do is burn fat. How does one go about doing this, one might ask? There’s a huge secret to burning fat that most Americans know nothing about.
It’s called exercise. Get off your fucking fat-ass and exercise. Doing so will burn the toxin-laden fat cells… Simple as that.
I know. What a fucking bitch. Not only do you have to stop smoking weed, you have to exercise now too. I understand this is any pothead’s worst nightmare, but maybe if we got off our asses more often and did things we would have gotten it legalized by now and we wouldn’t have this problem.
Anyway, the detox process involves cardio, pissing, cardio, pissing, cardio, pissing, and some more cardio. You’re going to need some new activities to fill the void quitting has left in your life anyway. Seriously though, this is important. I’m not trying to trick anyone into being healthier – it’s not my fault burning fat expedites the detox process.
Step Three – Begin Masking & Dilution Process
Okay, the hard part’s done. Or, rather, I’m done describing the hard part. You still got some exercising to do after reading this, fatty!
I kid, I kid.
The following steps are indeed easy, however it’s vital you carry them out exactly as I describe. The timing of these steps, especially masking, is important.
Also, this masking one might sound a little bit iffy to you, all I can say is I know it works – if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be including it in this article. I learned of this while in high school, when I found I would be drug tested prior to starting my job at the local Country Club. I had totally forgotten about it by the time it came around, and had been smoking a lot in the days and weeks prior. I asked a bunch of my friends what I should do, and one of them swore by this. I thought it sounded crazy, but I did it and it worked. There is no way I would’ve passed that drug test otherwise. I hope I’ll be able to find some palatable references online to back me up, but if not, you’ll just have to decide for yourself whether or not to trust me.
I’ve got one word for you. Gelatin.
What about gelatin, you might ask? Gelatin is magical, my friends.
Gelatin is, in essence, the pure form of the material in plants that gives them the flexibility necessary for growth. It’s what makes fruit squishy by the time it ripens. Oh, and it works as a masking agent. That would be the magic part.
In reality, there’s no real magic involved. As with most astounding phenomena, what looks like magic is really science at work. Indeed, this method doesn’t work the way common sense would dictate. Many stoners are convinced it works by coating the inside of your stomach, but that doesn’t even really make sense.
Here’s the real reason gelatin works to help drug users pass urine tests. Gelatin is fruit pectin, and pectin is a very soluble fiber (i.e. is easily absorbed by water). The human body is very accustom to these fibers. Everything the human body takes in will eventually be released somehow. However, the manner through which this occurs depends on the substance taken in by the body. For example, you’re already well aware that the toxins left behind by marijuana find their way out through your urine. Fruit pectin is an example of a substance released through a different method. To put it bluntly, you poop it out.
Why does this matter? Because another common trait of soluble fibers is their tendency to bind to fatty acids, such as bile. Bile is just an icky substance your liver excretes which aids in the digestive process by solubilizing lipids; in other words, by giving fat the ability to dissolve in water. This is where the magic kicks in. Since your body automatically sends fruit pectin to the colon, and fruit pectin binds to the acid which transports lipids (fat cells), the lipids which have absorbed the drug toxins are sent to your colon, and out your butthole. In other words, the toxins bind to your fat cells, your fat cells bind to the bile, and the bile binds to the pectin, which can’t be released through urine.
To help all this make more sense, look at it from your body’s point of view. Under normal circumstances, your body finds it more efficient to send its lipids, and whatever the lipids have absorbed, out through your urine. Understandably, it rejects the prospect of ridding itself of gelatin through the same procedure (imagine trying to piss Jell-O). However, if such a substance binds itself to the acids which transport your lipids, your body would much rather just send those lipids out with your poop.
So in other words, this method works by temporarily compelling your body to poop out the toxins. Since no one is gonna be asking you for a sample of your poop (hopefully), you’re in the clear.
So, to be explicit, here’s what the timeline leading up to the drug test should look like:
- Four hours prior: Mix a box of Sure Jell with one liter of water and drink.
- Three hours prior: Drink one to two liters of regular water.
- Two hours prior: Mix another box of Sure Jell with one liter of water and drink.
- One hour prior: Drink one liter of regular water.
And that would be it. Boom, urine drug test situation averted. You’re welcome.
To conclude, I’d like to make very clear that you should begin following these steps the moment you learn of an impending drug test.
Additionally, while I stand by my statement that this article includes all the information necessary to pass a urine drug test, that doesn’t mean reading it will effect the chemical makeup of your urine. If you’ve been chosen at random to submit your urine sample within 48 hours, and lack the means to secure yourself a Whizzinator, passing the urine drug test won’t be guaranteed.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still pursue the methods I laid out above. All I’m saying is I don’t stand by the assertion that masking and dilution – as I describe them above – will work 100% of the time if not preceded by at least four to five days of detox. You’re on your own now. Good luck.